10. Anikin Skywalker goes to the dark side after finding a finger tip in his chili
9. Jedi qualifications are dumbed down to just being able to flatten pop can against forehead
8. Lord of the Rings guys make appearance, get all in Empire’s face, sayin’ smack like, “Are we doin’ this? We doin’ this, playa?”
7. Darth Sideous defeated in the end by fancy Doppler radar
6. Yoda tries a stint on talk radio, ruins entire industry
5. Obiwan Kenobi employs union busting goons to take on the Empire
4. The Force is sold on E-bay for, like, a buck ninety
3. Jar Jar Binks gets pulled over and tasered by overenthusiastic Jedi rookie
2. Count Dooku goes further into dark side, accepts the name “Chocula”
1. Newsweek reports that the Death Star won’t be much of a problem.
Created by Dave Tippett
What’s a pop can? 😉
OK, OK. “Soda” for the true Southerners out there. I guess the “Northerner” in me missed that one.
What’s soda? That’s midwestern/southwestern. Down here, it’s all coke.
Atlantan #1: What do you want to drink?
Atlantan #2: Coke.
Atlantan #1: What kind?
Atlantan #2: Dr. Pepper.
11. Anakin Skywalker suffers a terrible disfiguring injury which bleaches his skin, straightens his hair and reduces his nose to a mere fold of skin which leads him to lead a reclusive life on the planet “Neverland” with regular visits from young padwans.
12. Reports that the evil Imperial Stormtroopers regularly clean out the hair trap in their showers causes Wookies on the planet Yavin to riot resulting in the death of four Ewoks.
13. Poor Princess Amadala finally dies from lack of sleep after repeated unsuccessful attempts to fit her husband’s helmet with a “Breathe Right” strip.
You Go Ken! Let’s see how many more “surprises” we can add to the list. Now’s the chance for you quiet funny/slightly warped people to rule the electronic world!
14. It is revealed that Senator Palpatine achieved grand Emperor status as a result of “help” from Paula Abdul.
15. Boba Fett moves to a trailer in Alabama and takes on the alias, “Bubba Fett”.
16. Jar Jar Binks, near the end of his life, confesses that he was the infamous Imperial informant formerly called “Creep Throat.”
17. Darth Maul retires to Buford and becomes known as the “Darth Maul of Georgia.”
18. Senator Palpatine is actually Senator Lieberman.
19. The final test for becoming a Jedi is revealed: being able to duel with lightsabers while making those “voom, voom” sounds out of the side of your mouth.
20. Yoda looks up the word “grammar” in the dictionary.
21. Obi-wan Kenobi gets a show on TBN called “Anointed in the Force!”
22. Anakin competes on Survivor LXVII, but gets disqualified for using the Jedi Mind Trick during Tribal Council.
23. C-3PO gets an iPod. R2-D2 storms off in a huff.
24. Han Solo confesses that he never had any idea what Chewbacca was saying.
25. Luke and Leia were not twins, but 2/3 of triplets. George Lucas guarantees himself another $5 billion by leaving the identity of the last triplet a mystery as the movie closes.
26. George W. Bush makes surprise appearance under film credits, saying of embryonic stem cell research, “I have a bad feeling about this.”
Top Ten Things Yoda’s Mom said to him while growing up:
10. More me than you hurt this will.
9. Pink is your skin. Nauseated you must be.
8. Out somebody’s eye with that thing will you cauterize.
7. Told you I did that stuff smoking will your growth stunt.
6. Stick that way your ears will if that you keep doing.
5. 312 you are. Your age act!
4. Picking on your brother Grover quit.
3. Land and smack you don’t make me.
2. On those lightsaber lessons all that money we’re wasting.
1. Verbs at the END of your sentences put.
27. Now that the Jedi’s reputation has been sullied and in an act of desperation they manage to take advantage of a cease fire between Alien, Predator, and Terminator and form an alliance. Secretly, however, the Jedi hope that the other three will “eliminate” each other prior to Tribal Council, at which time Jeff Probst will crown the Jedi as Sole Survivor. Now the Jedi can be free to use the force to predict the next American Idol.