On Sunday (2.14.10), I gave a gentle warning regarding the prominence of our heart (a.k.a feelings) in regard to how we live our lives. Jesus would not have bought into the ridiculous “listen to your heart” counsel that is rampant today. As an example of how this heart-over-head mentality has taken root, I cited the core concept from the book: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I took issue with the general thesis of the book that goes something like this: If a spouse learns to act on the “love language” of their marriage partner then their “love-tank” will be full. When each person in the relationship focuses on speaking the “love language” of the other then the result will be full “love tanks” that produce marital harmony.

The wrongheaded nature of this counsel is revealed when we consider that the sole object in focus is the other individual in the relationship. At first glance this may seem like a pure fulfillment of the “Golden Rule” but let’s take a closer look. In Dr. Chapman’s model, the worth and feeling toward the object (the spouse) is the focus of the effort. The trajectory of this type of emotion-based teaching embraces feeling-oriented, creature-focused relationships that are not based on the truth of God’s Word. Simply put, Jesus never acted like this nor did any of his teachings pivot on a “you meet my needs I meet your needs” mentality. Although Dr. Chapman never puts it this bluntly, this is exactly what the dynamic entails. What we need today are truth-based relationships that then find ways of serving one another in creature-oriented expressions of love.

The key is that the priority of my creature-oriented expressions flow from the worship and honor of the Creator first and the creature second. Notice the distinction. I totally believe that I am to pursue my wife’s “love languages,” but I do so out of reverence for Christ and His Lordship. I am called to love my wife, my kids, and everyone else in this way precisely because it is the right thing to do according to God’s Word. I am commanded to do this even when my wife or my kids or anyone else for that matter doesn’t fill my “love tank” and, frankly, may not even like me at any given moment. So, while I would encourage anyone to learn and employ their “love language”, do so out of reverence for Christ and then for the good of your marriage. In this way the Holy Spirit will exalt Christ in your life and bring balance and health to your relationship(s).

The Holy Spirit loves to empower a Christ-centered relationship. But know this, the Holy Spirit will be quenched when a person cherishes a creature’s “love-tank” over the commandment to love given by our Creator. On the other hand, the Holy Spirit has been given preciously to aid us in the cherishing of Jesus in how we think and live as we employ resources like, “The Five Love Languages.” I don’t want to eliminate the use of these types of incredible resources I just want to make sure they are used in the right priority. If we don’t get the first-things-first then the second things lose there effectiveness to truly reform and we begin to slouch toward idolatry – putting the desires of the creature over the Creator.

Pastor Pat sent me an article this morning in which Justin Taylor cites David Powlison (buy everything he writes!) on this very subject. I couldn’t agree more and thought you would find this extended article very helpful. Be sure to download the original article by David Powlison as well.