You wake up in the morning, greeted by a welcome aroma.

It’s bacon.

Next, you discover it’s accompanied by the wonderful smell of coffee, inviting you to join the land of the living. You are now standing up and out of bed.

Making your way through your bedroom door, you become aware of an entire bouquet of wonderful fragrances: Waffles. Eggs. Cinnamon rolls. French toast. English muffins. Sausages. Pancakes. Hash browns. Krispy Kremes—hot. (Did I mention bacon?)

Approaching the kitchen, you inhale deeply and find a sweet surprise: there’s cantaloupe in there. You love cantaloupe. You just couldn’t smell it through the bacon. And where there’s cantaloupe, there is sure to be honeydew. That probably means strawberries, grapes, and all your other favorite fruits.

This is going to be the best day ever.

You enter the kitchen with your mouth watering like a boat that sprang a leak. Your thoughts turn to “where do I start” as your gaze rises to the table—

You see dirty dishes, all empty. Surveying the carnage, you find used coffee grounds (but no coffee). Cantaloupe and honeydew rinds. An empty Krispy Kreme box. You notice peeled potato skins, empty eggshells (does the broken egg left oozing on the floor count as empty?), a large bowl caked with crusted-over batter, and a cooktop with several pans of congealing bacon grease. There is an empty sleeve of English muffins melted to the top of the toaster oven. And no bacon.

You are alone. So very alone.

Once you come to terms with this rude disappointment, you decide you will eat something after all. After a thorough search, it becomes clear that the only edible thing left on the premises is a box of a “cereal” called Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs.

And skim milk.

And that, my friends, is what going to a Christian bookstore is like.