In Part One of my post, I talked about a day at the pool, while we were on our beach vacation. We were surrounded by girls and women who were wearing very revealing swimsuits. Let me just say that I am so thankful for my husband! Anytime one of these ladies would walk by, he would intentionally look at me, the kids, or the ground. To make things more relaxed and enjoyable for us all, though, I suggested that we leave the pool area and head to the beach, which was less crowded. As we walked down there (with me admittedly frustrated and pouting all the way), this warning sign caught my attention:
Well, with my frame of mind, it immediately struck me that this was much like the current that men get caught in with what our culture has to offer. Now, more than ever, men are tempted to lust everywhere they turn. From a family beach vacation to commercials during news shows and sports programming to billboards as they drive to work, they are bombarded with the temptation to lust after other women. In addition, pornography is solicited to them every time they check their email, unless they have intentionally taken actions to keep it from happening. Whether they look for it or not, it will find them, and the results can be very harmful to them and to their marriages or future marriages.
So, how can followers of Christ effectively honor the Lord when it comes to this issue? Here are a couple of suggestions that I have. If you are a man and are actively battling this current, please understand that I am not trying to simplify this as if it’s an easy “just do it” sort of thing. I know that this is a very difficult battle you’re in, but it’s not just your battle. If you lose, your family (even your future family, if you are not currently married) loses, too. So, please allow me to share a few insights that popped into my head:
“Don’t fight the current.”
If you start to get drawn into the current, don’t think you can handle it and resist it on your own. Once you are in its grip, it’s stronger than you are. As a former pastor of mine said, “You can’t ‘handle’ sin.” It is not something to be “handled.” It must be eliminated.
“Swim out of the current, then to shore.”
Now is the time to escape. Resist the temptation by walking away and avoiding the places where it is. This takes proactive self-discipline and willpower, but if you are about to be drawn in, get out of it before you lose your footing.
“If you can’t escape, float or tread water.”
If you get to this step, you must recognize the power of the current and the effect it is having on you and your marriage. If you don’t get out of this current, the results can be devastating, but if you try to fight it alone, you will probably get sucked under before anyone knows you need help.
Finally, “If you need help, call or wave for assistance.”
This can take on multiple forms:
- Immerse yourself in God’s Word and call out to Him! His Spirit is always our strongest defender against any current of sin.
- Call out to others to pull you out of the rip current. Find Christian brothers who will hold you accountable to seeking to honor the Lord in this area of your life.
- Unfortunately, this is where I think many men stop, but I’d like to submit one other accountability partner . . . call out to your wife, if you are married. Although other men who have developed strong “swimming” habits in this area are great resources, I truly believe that your wife is your biggest earthly asset in this battle, and she is often overlooked. While she will be the most difficult one to go to, because she will be the most personally affected by your sin, she’s the one God gave specifically TO YOU . . . your helpmate – your wife. In her best interest, consider getting godly counsel on the best way to approach the issue with your wife, so that she can be prepared to handle the news and know how to help you. But, ultimately, she will be your greatest earthly motivator and cheerleader to escape the current, so please don’t leave her out of this battle, because if you are in it, you are BOTH in it, whether she realizes it or not.
Now, men, let me just say that this is simply an illustration. Again, this is not my attempt at saying “it’s as easy as 1-2-3. What’s the problem?” I am not in any way trying to belittle this issue or reduce the solution to a series of simple steps. Rather, I’m likening your situation to being trapped, pulled under, and in danger of drowning. The damage and danger of this situation is enormous! Once you have been pulled under, the wounds can take a long time to heal and the scars can affect you and your marriage for the rest of your life.
Back to the sign . . . .
After the instructions that said what to do in a Rip Current, the sign gave tips on how to not get into the situation in the first place:
“Safety:
Know how to swim.”
Be prepared BEFORE the danger presents itself. Know what you need to do to protect yourself. Set up filters on your computers, not just on your kids’ computers. Drive a different route to avoid seeing things you know will tempt you. Buy TiVo® for your TV and don’t watch shows that would lure you into this current. Set up whatever barriers you can find to rid your path of things that would put you in danger of the current. Determine to look away, and commit this desire to the Lord.
“Never swim alone.”
Don’t allow yourself to get in situations where you feel like no one is watching you (e.g., checking out the free channels on your business trips, being in your corner office with an unfiltered computer, etc). The alone times are the most dangerous time for you to get caught in the rip current, and no one will even know you need help, until you’ve been dragged under.
“If in doubt, don’t go out.”
If you aren’t sure if something will tempt you, but you think there might be something lurking around the corner, avoid the situation. Be intentional about avoiding the danger. As in anything in which you would expect to be successful, you must have a plan. You don’t just stumble onto success in this area.
Men, if you have witnessed the damage of this current or have experienced it in your own life, you know the seriousness of this issue. Your marriage and your family’s health are at stake, and you are the main one who has to choose to do something about this. Please, if any of what I am saying rings true with you, do not ignore this. If you need to get counsel on what to do about this issue in your life, please consult one of our pastors. They are all men, so they can relate to your struggle, and they desire to help you and your family grow in the character and priorities of Christ. Please trust them to help you.
Ladies, Part 3 of my post will address what we can do to be helpmates to our husbands. We are in a battle with them . . . not against them. If your husband has fallen prey to this, he is not your enemy. You both have been wounded in the battle, and you will both need to fight together to win. So, hang on . . . and pray!
And if you think your husband is immune to this, please pray about how to humbly and gently talk to him about it. You may be right, and for that, you can both thank God together. However, you could find that he may be suffering in silence, ashamed of how he’s failed you. Please, prayerfully consider how you may have a heart that is prepared to love him, even if you find out news that shocks and hurts you. Until Part 3 . . . .
Very good points Donna! An excellent resource along these same lines is The Mortification of Sin by John Owen. Though not specifically directed at lust, it lays out the Biblical method of putting to death the sins in our lives (whatever they may be) that so easily entangle us if we don’t have a proactive plan to deal with them.
I have been kicking around these two things. John Owen seems to say that when sin is present in your life you should proactively work against the sin by countering with an opposite response. So if you are greedy counter with hilarious giving; if you are selfish, serve sacrificially. What is the opposite response to sexual lust?
Link to free text of John Owen’s Of the Mortification of Sin in Believers Larry mentioned above.
Free text, Free Audio
O’Ryan, I’ve read this book several times but I’ve not taken that away as one of Owen’s main points. (BTW, I found the version at Amazon done by Richard Rushing in modern English to be much easier to follow than Owen’s original!)
However, if we view sexual lust for what it really is, selfishness, a desire to satisfy myself at the expense of another person, the opposite would be selflessness, putting the needs and best interests of others ahead of my own. If I do that it is much more difficult to view another person lustfully. Another counterbalance to lust is contentment. Sexual lust is often driven by a ‘the grass is greener over there’ mentality. If I’m content in my circumstances, rejoicing in the ‘wife of my youth’ (Proverbs 5:18) I’m much less likely to be tempted sexually.
I tend to view sexual lust as a surface level symptom of deeper issues in my life. If I’m struggling with it I need primarily to die more to self and to cultivate contentment. One of the things John Owen says is “You cannot mortify a specific lust that is troubling you, unless you are seeking to obey the Lord from the heart in all areas.” So, rather than isolate ‘sexual lust’ and try to deal with it as an item, I must examine the whole pattern of my life and be willing to submit to God any areas that I find which are contrary to His will. In dealing with the ‘heart’ issues, the more obvious things like lust will begin to be dealt with as well.
Enjoying the discussion.
Also xxxchurch.com has resources and materials. Even a book for couples dealing with it.
On the John Owen topic: Justin Taylor and Kelly Kapic edited three of Owen’s works (Of the Mortification of Sin in Believers, Of Temptation: The Nature and Power of It, and Indwelling Sin) in a single volume titled Overcoming Sin and Temptation (the link takes you to a free PDF of the book).
They updated the language (“thee” becomes “you”, “hath” becomes “have”, etc.) and footnoted the most challenging vocabulary.
It’s slow going… but good stuff!
Donna, I appreciate your boldness. It is neat to have a women’s perspective on a subject that makes most wives want to turn their head in ignorance. The truth can be hurtful, so why probe? This culture is totally centered on meeting our selfish needs. I look forward to part 3. But first I have to locate part 1 (I didn’t read it yet).
Larry, excellent points!
Sorry to continue. I just read part one.
I would say to wives that are trying to help keep their husbands pure in this area, they must first approach it from an angle of a sister in Christ, instead of attempting to be their husbands conscience or acting in place of the Holy Spirit. We are called to sharpen each other, even if we get cut sometimes. If our husbands seek accountability from us and we go overboard, it could make marriage a nightmare! For instance, “I saw you look over at that person. Were you struggling?” which leads to, “What is wrong with me?”
I remember when Dan and I were first married. We were at the beach in New York and Ben was a new born. This girl (bursting out of her bikini) came over to us and started talking to Dan and me. Funny how young I was..I think I was upset at Dan for that for a bit. Dan had done nothing wrong, he was trying to gear his eyes elsewhere. There is this tendency that we sometimes feel that if our husbands feel the sting of our anger in little things they will remember it when we are not around. I’m thankful we’ve come a long way from those petty things.
A sin or area of struggle for our husbands needs to be met with the understanding that the enemy seeks to entice him. We are to be Christ to them, full of grace and forgiveness,trying to understand that if they came to us in the first place, they must want to overcome the challenge. We are to love them like Christ loves them if they are to conquer the temptation. Taking it personally only brings decay into a spiritual issue. It is what we would want from them if the roles were reversed.
I agree with Vicki. The sooner women are able to move past the blame-game and the “How could you do this to ME?” victim-speak, and onto a sister in Christ that desires their brother in Christ to be out from under the bondage of lust, the faster the couple can move to solutions.
Another thing-there is a big difference between what is put before your eyes without your consent (i.e., the beach), and intentionally putting something before your eyes (like porn); it’s the difference between seeing and looking, or hearing and listening. The intent of the heart makes the difference.
In the same way the enemy seeks to entice men, it seeks to entice women into pride and judgmental attitudes regarding lust. Beware the divisive nature of dealing with this. Humility, mercy, forgiveness, ladies. As someone already said, our spouses were given to us by God Himself. We are to build each other up and spur each other on toward obedience to God. He can and does equip us to do this when we depend on Him for guidance.
I think it is good for a wife to avoid over-playing up the victim angle. She will be most able to help her husband if she can see things as objectively as possible.
At the same time, as men, we need to realize that any sin we indulge in has victims. If we take Jesus as face value in Matthew 5:27-30, when we lust after a woman, we have committed a form of adultery.
By my estimation, if I commit adultery, I offend three parties…
Adultery is an offense against God. I transgress His law and I express that I am not content with what God has provided for me.
Adultery is an offense against the one we commit it with. Even though the object of my lust (or partner in actual adultery) is often complicit and bears her own guilt, that does not absolve me from the fact that I used a person made in God’s image as an object to satisfy my lust.
Adultery is an offense against my wife. It violates the trust I asked my wife to place in me as I vowed faithfulness to her.
Our wives are victims of our indulgence in lusting toward other women. Let’s not gloss over that.
I also think it is good to distinguish between situations that come upon us from situations that we seek out. However, if we frequent places where there is a pattern of being presented with opportunities to lust, then, at some point, we cannot claim to be surprised by what we are seeing. We need to avoid those situations (if at all possible).
Second, when we do get surprised by a situation that draws our attention, our reaction is our responsibility. The look that lingers or the second look is our responsibility. To butcher an old cliché, “See your over-exposed breasts in a low-cut blouse, shame on you. See them twice, shame on me.”
Thanks for your input, guys! Ladies, I agree with both of you, hence my request for ladies to be humble, gentle, and prayerful before they do anything and to remember that their husbands are not their enemies in this battle. I will be addressing some of these issues in Part 3.
Certainly, when there are unexpected and unwelcome temptations that are not acted on, we would be wrong to count it offense. I heard Jennifer Rothschild answer a question recently about controlling our thoughts. I liked her illustration. She said that thoughts are like guests. When they come to your door, you can choose to invite them in, entertain them, and feed them OR you can choose to not let them in. If temptation has come to our husband’s door and he has shut that door, we certainly would be wrong to hold him responsible. However, once the second and third looks have happened, that guest has been invited in. Ultimately, it is the role of the Holy Spirit to convict if that is the case. However, He often chooses to do His work through humble and teachable people that are His instruments to lead people to see their need for repentance in various areas.
In the situation where a husband has indulged in pornography, damage that many consider betrayal, and even Jesus referred to as adultery in the heart, has been done to a relationship. In this case, more has to happen than for a woman to simply get over it and treat the one who has hurt her as a Christian sister should do. I would submit that this is not just an issue of moving past the blame-game. If real damage that equates to betrayal has occurred in the relationship, true healing needs to happen. If a wife does not help her husband see the damage his sin has caused, he will be that much more enabled to continue being trapped by it, and he is as much of a victim as the wife is. That would not be truly helping him.
I agree that we should not nag our husbands, however. It is clear in Proverbs that that is not a wise or godly thing to do. Yet, part of Christian sisters and brothers helping each other is to hold each other accountable to repenting and steering clear from sinful behavior, whether that be lust or envy or gossip or laziness or adultery, etc. Anytime we help encourage someone away from sin and towards godliness, with our hearts humble and trusting the Lord, we will have a harder time falling prey to the pride and judgmental attitudes. Again, though, if true damage has been done to the relationship, the woman will understandably be hurt and will have to work through her emotions. She should not condemn herself as being judgmental or proud just for calling sin “sin” and for recognizing the damage it has done to her husband and their family. She is called to forgive as God has forgiven her, though, so she cannot hang onto the offense, either.
This situation is difficult for all involved, so there must be hard work from both parties to move beyond this damage in a relationship. But with God’s Spirit guiding two hearts that desire to be changed and to honor Him, nothing is impossible.
Great wisdom here.
Donna, your illustration of the rip currents was really great. You must have the spiritual gift of teaching. 🙂
Nice hearing this from a women’s perspective. Thanks!
I have many thoughts on this, and am afraid I may be on the wrong side of this conversation . . .
What other women do or do not wear is not the cause of my husband’s thoughts. He is a human. Gratefully, he has always been respectful and if there was ogling, I did not see it. This is a two way street and women, in my experience, can be even worse than the men when it comes to “noticing.”
Maybe I’m wrong, but I think sin starts in the heart not the eyes or mind. I think you can notice someone is attractive without it being sinful.
There was a reference in the Part 1 toward drinking. In my mind, sin is a lot like an alcoholic taking the first drink. The first drink starts long before the first drink happens. It is romanticized and rationalized then actioned. The fact that the drink was available did not cause the alcoholic to drink. The alcoholic is responsible for that action. I see this as the same slippery slope.
This is where the relationship with God comes in. Only we and God know the true nature of our thoughts. If our desire is to honor God and the commitments we made to each other before God, we will pray accordingly and work with God toward that end.
But I don’t think we can be held responsible for what is put before us as other than circumstance.