Boys will be boys… there’s a time and a place for giving the Y chromosome its due. But CNN has a piece titled “Why He Needs a Room of His Own” featuring these glimpses into American domestic life (emphasis added):
Sal Guarisco, a 51-year-old sales manager from Atlanta, negotiated a mantuary with his wife, Wendy… “It’s a place to decompress so that by the weekend you’re not hiding out,” Sal says…”Sal has a lot he needs to escape from, so it’s good that he has a place to go,” says Wendy…
Jill Scully, 31, of Pescadero, California, doesn’t sneak up on fiancé Nicholas Woodman, 32, in his lair, a barn outfitted with $13,000 of race car simulation equipment.
Nicholas, an amateur club circuit racer and owner of a digital sports camera company, takes the jostling driver’s seat for hours on end — helmet on, lights off, surround sound blaring. Interrupting her fiancé might make him “crash,” so Jill, who helps run Nicholas’ company, waits until the end of the “race” before announcing herself.
“This deal conveniently ensures I have to be a spectator for a good half hour until his race comes to a close and I can interrupt,” she says.
“Hiding out?” “Needs to escape?” Playing video games for “hours on end?” These aren’t “Man Caves,” they’re “Boy Cages” that permanently stunt the growth of these guys and leave them soft and tender. Think “spiritual veal.”
Note to Jill Scully, 31, of Pescadero, California: get out while you still can!
The Lost Man Cave of Jesus
Jesus said, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” The closest thing Jesus had to a “man cave” was Gethsemane, where he retreated to pray for the church before laying his life down for her. Which should remind us…
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. (Eph. 5:25-30)
So if you’re going to have a “Man Cave,” get the Jesus model. It comes standard with a Bible and a place to pray. If you have a problem with the wife and kids interrupting you, get the deluxe edition: it is nicely appointed with a coffee maker and a light so you can use it at oh-dark-thirty while your disciples are sleeping.
See Also
Hugh,
The main point of this article is a separation of space and time between husband and wife. The article cites a clinical psychologist, who specializes in marriage counseling, saying, “Separate time is important…A good relationship has both intimacy and independence”
Practically how does a husband and wife avoid “smothering” each other? Or is the idea of “smothering” based on a false expectation of what marriage is?
I suspect it’s at least partly based on a false expectation. Hard to say; I think each person’s expectations are going to look different.
Look at it this way: if a man is to his wife as Christ is to the church, we can restate the question like this:
That just sounds kind of funny… Going back to Eph. 5:25-30, it seems like the charge is for husbands to see to it that their wives are sanctified — I take that to mean that husbands shouldn’t smother their wives, but at the same time, I think that looks more like “intimacy” than “separate time.”
Hugh,
I think your take on this is exactly right. The issue here is not that married couples should never spend time apart, it is the issue of grown men who’ve never left adolescence, something that I think is epidemic in our culture. As you suggest, it springs from a non-Biblical understanding of both marriage and of manhood.
I second your sentiments to Jill Scully – RUN! 🙂
Hugh,
As a man of God, I’m having a hard time seeing your point. I try to set an example for my daughter to be a doer of God’s Word and not just a hearer. I pray that my actions bring glory to God. I’m active in my church, send my daughter to Catholic school, and give to the poor. On a fairly regular basis when one of my 87 year old in-laws has a fall, I’m the one who bandages the gashes from the fall as a result of their skin being so thin. When I’m not at soccer games or school events, I’m painting or repairing our house, or helping my in-laws with a task they can’t do. I converted one of the extra bedrooms into an office my wife and I could share. She runs a P.R. business from home. She needed a place to focus on her work. I came up with the idea to add some masculine touches to the guest room. I work 50-60 hours a week, come home every night to dinner with my family (in-laws twice a week, sometimes more), and I usually clean the kitchen to help out. I then either continue a repair job or do some I.T. function for my wife or daughter. I don’t smoke, drink, golf, gamble, or go out with the boys. Our big night out is Saturday when we go out to dinner at the same Mexican restaurant we’ve been going to since my daughter was one. We top that off with a trip to Target or Sam’s. When my wife and daughter are doing “girl stuff” like doing each other’s nails or hair, or watching some tear jerker movie that alot of times I get sucked into, I have a place to “escape” to play my guitar, scan old photos to save, download and save the latest video I’ve take of my daughter, and yes, lose myself in some action-packed “guy” movie. I seriuosly doubt that you and your wife are tied at the hip. I also doubt that you’d be any good at the bass if you kept your focus on her 24-7. I don’t think that God begrudges us some alone time.
From a feminine perspective (mine:)), Both my husband and I need to have some alone time- I know it’s often during these times that I can focus more on God. However, if my husband is retreating for what I consider an unhealthy amount of time, then something is wrong with that picture. Either he needs to grow up a little or I need to brush up on my skills as a wife: a supporter, encourager, “helper suitable.” This isn’t to say that I don’t often want to retreat for endless hours and scrapbook to relax my responsibilities away, just that there has to be a balance. Really it comes down to being good stewards of our time. If retreating for a while helps you focus on what God has planned for you- go for it! If it’s more of an escape to “forget responsibilities” then it is sin. We should do “all things to the glory of God”- even when taking a breather.
Sal! The Sal Guarisco? Thanks for jumping in… with all that’s going on in your life, I don’t know why CNN chose to focus on your man-cave… it sounds like that’s the caboose on the train of your life!
I agree there’s certainly nothing wrong with “alone time.” Watching a ball game with the guys, or spending some time “in the woodshed” playing guitar, or even something as silly as watching some Monty Python or Braveheart or whatever — these are all great things. Provided, of course, the more important things are taken care of — and at least in your case it sounds like there’s plenty being taken care of.
I’m driving at a point at two levels:
1. The whole idea of “escape” being a “need” — especially to the tune of a $13,000 make-believe race car room — sounds pretty fragile and narcissistic.
2. The example of Christ is completely alien to this whole man-cave mindset. From his instruction to “lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven… for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matt. 6:19-25) to the Ephesians passage I referenced above, Christlikeness is not about self or stuff, but sacrifice and sanctification.
The fact is, a guy who does a thousand times more than your admittedly prodigious output still doesn’t hold a candle to Christ. Having a well-equipped man-cave doesn’t improve the comparison — not in our wives’ eyes and certainly not in God’s. We need mercy, not a mantuary… forgiveness, not escape…
I think a distinction between “alone time” and “inaccessible time” would be helpful. If a “man cave” is a place to escape responsibilities or avoid interaction, then it’s a bad thing. If it’s a place to be alone when your family doesn’t need you, then it’s a good thing. The touchstone should be what Hugh has already mentioned: if a man cave facilitates a husband’s sacrificing his entire life for his wife and family, then build a really nice one. If it in any way gets in the way of total sacrifice of oneself—well then, put it on the chopping block instead of God’s will for the family.
Also, going “out with the boys” is just as valid as a cave for serving this purpose. I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
Personally, I’d like to have a study in my future house. Sure, I’ll want to make it my own; but I don’t think I’ll call it an escape or a man cave, even though at times it may serve as either.
Now I know why the boys in our home won’t let us girls paint the tree house pink and white! 😕