This past Sunday’s GraceTalk included the following question…
I struggle to know the difference between forgiving someone for sinning against me and allowing them back into my world. Do I have to just forgive and forget? If this is true, I don’t know how. Thoughts?
It is sometime hard to tell exactly where the author of a question like this is coming from. Is this person having trouble forgiving? Is he or she able to forgive, but struggling with the practical implications of the person after forgiving? And as is the case with most questions, the details of the particular situation are important. Given all of that, we’ll look at the biblical principles involved.
We are to forgive others as God forgives us…
The Bible is clear that we are to forgive others the way God forgives us. Here are just a few of the many passages that express this.
In Mathew 18, as soon as Jesus gets through explaining what to do when your brother sins against you, Peter asks him how many times, he must forgive his brother. Peter thinks he’ll impress Jesus with the answer of seven (Rabbinic teaching said that a man had to be forgiven three times), but Jesus tells them that he must forgive 70 times seven.
Then Jesus goes on to give a parable of a man who is forgiven a great sum owed to the king, and then turns around and refuses to forgive a small debt owed to him. When the king finds out, he throws the man in jail. Jesus then says “So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”
In Matthew 6:12, Jesus teaches his disciples to pray that God would “forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.”
Then in Matthew 6:14-15, Jesus says “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
God forgives us completely…
Now that we know that we are to forgive others as God forgives us, then we need to see how God forgives us.
In Psalm 103:12, David declares… “as far as the east is from the west, so far does he [the LORD] remove our transgressions from us.”
Here is the one most relevant to our question. Hebrews 8:12, the writer is quoting Jeremiah 31:34 when he says of the LORD “For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more.”
If I am having trouble forgiving, it is a sign that I don’t appreciate how much I have been forgiven. No matter what anyone has done to me, it does not compare to the way I have offended God.
Forgive and forget?
So, we are to forgive others as God forgives us. God forgives and forgets. So, we should forgive and forget. That seems to settle it, but it is never quite that simple. What does it mean that God will “remember our sins no more?”
It cannot mean that God has literally forgotten that we sinned. First, God is omniscient and couldn’t forget if He wanted to.
Second, we’ve got some passages to think about…
The same author that tells us that the Lord will remember our sins no more also tells us in chapter 12 that the Lord disciplines those he loves. It would be odd for God to discipline us without taking our particular sin or propensity to sin into account. Our author compares the Lord’s disciplining of us to that of a father to a child. Imaging disciplining your child while actively ignoring anything he has ever done wrong.
We also see consequences of sin even for believer…
In Acts 5, we have the story of Ananias and Sapphira. These two were presumably believers, but they lied about how much money they got for their land and God seemingly struck them dead.
In 1 Corinthians 11:30, Paul tells us that people are sick and have died as a consequence of eating the Lord’s Supper in an unworthy manner. I don’t think this was a natural consequence (e.g., Cirrhosis of the liver), but must have been a rebuke from God.
In Matthew 18:15-20, Jesus tells us what to do with a sinning brother that refuses to repent. It eventually comes down to treating the sinning brother as an unbeliever.
In Matthew 10:16, Jesus says “Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.” He is clearly telling His followers to watch out for the crafty and sinful ways of those who would oppose them.
What is biblical forgiving and forgetting, then?
Forgiveness is all about the debt owed. When we sin against someone, we enter into a debt to that person. The Old Testament law described it as “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” in Leviticus 24:20 and Deuteronomy 19:21 (note that retribution was always to be carried out within the framework of the law and proper authority).
When we forgive someone, we are relinquishing any claim to that debt. As far as the debt owed, it is as if it never happened.
In Romans 12:19-21, Paul captures this idea when he says… 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
This is harder than we often think. If we hold on to any bitterness or anger toward someone we say we have forgiven, then we haven’t.
What about “allowing them back into my world?”
This is where it gets hard to answer the question without the context of the particular situation. Whatever case, here is the driving principal: What is the loving thing to do?
If it is more loving to allow them back into the situation where they first sinned, then do it. If it is more loving to remove them from the situation that tempted them to sin the first time, then do it.
Even as Christians, we lock our doors at night. We take prudent precautions against the potential sinful actions of others. Exposing ourselves in a way that we become a temptation for someone to sin against us is not showing love.
This is an instance where being honest with ourselves before the Lord is vital. Is it my own comfort that is driving my actions or genuine concern for my forgiven brother?
Resentment is the poison we drink hoping someone else will die.
Forgiveness is more for us than the person who sinned against us. When our focus is on the wrong done to us, God’s love and will for us cannot shine through.
Kari, very neat thoughts. Thanks!
Eric, I appreciate your post. I read somewhere that people feel more in control when they are angry over wrong done to them; it is a way of saying I have the upper hand. Forgiving someone is definitely an act of surrender; a trust that God has the upper hand and not us. Surrendering to God can be scary if you have an unclear idea of who God is. If I find myself wrestling over trying to forgive someone, I try to immerse myself in the Word. It reminds me of how His ways are higher than mine, and of the forgiveness given to me, despite my horrible sins.
Being unwilling to forgive, when it comes down to it, is my sinful nature wanting to be the punisher; I somehow think I will do a better job at it than God. Entrusting ourselves to God, like you said, is our only hope in overcoming bitterness. It is what our Savior did. That is why He could say, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do”. I believe Christ could do this because He had a clear understanding of who the Father was and of the spiritual world around us. I tend to forget the spiritual battle behind the scenes. Praying for those who willfully sin against us is huge! I sometimes wonder if we could see the enemy at work in the lives of those in sin, like Christ did, would our hearts be more broken for those we tend to want to write off. Would we pray more fervently for them to come to repentance? Would we be eager to be an example of God’s forgiveness? For now we forgive because we are called to, and because we ourselves have been forgiven. Someday, in Heaven, we will see the bigger picture.
I have a question regarding forgiveness and forgeting, and allowing that person back into my world. Its a long story so I hope to make it as short as possible. Some years ago I was going out with my husband and I had broken up with him to be with someone else. I ended up having a child from this other person and then he left me. A year later my husband and I got back together regardless of whether it was his child or not. I thought of him being very compassionate and loving to forgive me and except my child even if it wasnt his. Then about 10 years passed and I found out he was TRYING to do some unspeakable things to her while he was intoxicated and I was confused on what to do, I had already had 2 other children from him. She understood about the family staying together and we went on with our lives and tried to put it on the back burner. She grew up and out of the house and since then she has a little boy now. Her step father has admitted he was wrong and didn’t know why he had tried to do what he did. I forgave him. Recently she told me that she forgave him however she wont forget and doesnt want anything to do with him and in a sense resents me for never leaving him and that also reflects upon me and the other kids. Makes it hard for us to see her and the baby. I know that I may have chose to do the wrong thing by staying with him but, I didnt want the embarrassment for her, or I was scared on raising the family myself. Yes I was weak. I have forgiven him and I chose to stay with him anyway, and go on with our lives. I feel that by putting it on the back burner and in a sense forgetting it, was what GOD wanted me to do, like you said that we may never realy get it out of our memory but we can in a sense as if it never happened by forgiving them. I hope I have done the right thing in forgiving him, and I guess what I am podering is, I miss my daughter so much and I just want peace in our lives and start living again and get on with our lives, but I know she has resentment and I dont think that she has truly forgiven him. Im afraid that she is going to have a lot of anger and resentment the rest of her life and will be hurting. I dont want that for her. I want her to know how to forgive, and forget in a sense. So would it be wrong for her to allow him back into her life so we can all be a family and see eachother again?
Sharon, my heart is grieved as I read your story. Sadly, the world we live in is filled with stories of like yours—pain and loss that should not be. This should drive us to long for the culmination of what we, as Christians, hope in: the return of Jesus and the completion of our reconciliation to Him and each other.
As with the original question, it is very difficult to give the personal response this sort of situation calls for. As a pastor, I would want to talk to the people involved, learn more about the particular details, look the involved people in the eye, etc. I hope that you are talking through these issues with a pastor or other spiritually mature believer within your local church that knows and cares for you. The best I can do here is lay out some relevant principles as I see them.
First, I notice your emphasis on the word “TRYING.” This sounds to me like you are emphasizing that no abuse actually took place. I can think of no more damaging violation of trust than that of a child’s trust in a parent. A child comes into the world in utter dependence on his parents. No one in the world cares more for this child’s wellbeing than his parents. The parents are effectively a surrogate for God to child. There is no way to overestimate the damage that can be caused when a parent violates this sacred trust. So, even if the evil intentions of the stepfather were fended off, I would not use that as a reason to downplay the damage done.
You mentioned that you put this issue on the ‘back burner’ and that you forgave him and tried to go on with life. It is hard to say from your short description if this is relevant, but the biblical mandate of forgiveness does not remove our responsibility to confront sin. You mention that he “admitted he was wrong and didn’t know why he had tried to do what he did.” Your daughter may feel that this was not fully dealt with and simply swept under the rug because that was easier. I would consider that maybe your daughter feels this way and that this is hindering reconciliation.
Second, I would point out that granting forgiveness is an act of grace. Forgiveness is not owed to the offending party. Once I sin against someone, I place myself in debt to the one I have offended. I have no claim on the other person to forgive me. That is between them and God. My job is to do everything within my power to make restitution and rebuild the trust that I have destroyed.
It sounds like you are in one of two possible situations with your daughter. She might not have truly forgiven the offense and is using the withholding of access to you grandson as retaliation. Or, she may have truly forgiven you and her stepfather but feels (rightly or wrongly) that there are practical reasons that restored fellowship would not be appropriate. Perhaps she is protecting her son or maybe the old feelings of betrayal return so strongly when in your presence that she does not want to expose her child to that dynamic. There is the further complication that your daughter’s husband has an obligation to protect both his wife and his son. I’m not sure how that plays in here.
Whatever the case, all you can do is pray for her and do everything within your power give her reason to forgive and trust you. Some suggestions I would offer…
I hope this response is helpful, but I don’t presume to really know your situation, and there is only so much that a format like this can provide. I’ve focused solely on you and your responsibility in this situation not because there is nothing to be said to your daughter and her situation, but because you only have control over yourself and your responsibility.
I pray that God will, in His mercy, grant your family the reconciliation you and He desire.