All this talk about changing the rules of soccer (Kevin Hosner!!!) to make it more appealing to football fans in the USA has me thinking that football rules should be changed instead to bring in an entire world of new fans. Here are some suggestions:
Football rules changes to make it more marketable to European fans:
1. Leave the injured player on the field while the game continues
2. Make the receivers wait until AFTER the ball is thrown before they can cross the line of scrimmage
3. If any defender commits a personal foul inside his own 15 yard line, the offense gets to line up and run a play against ONE player–ALL BY HIMSELF!
4. If any player intentionally touches the FOOTball with his FOOT then that player is penalized from the spot of the foul…oh, wait a minute, that rule already exists in FOOTball. You can’t intentionally play the ball with your FOOT unless you are attempting to kick a scrimmage kick or a free kick (huh???).
5. All the great football names like Butkus, Bradshaw, Unitas, Namath, Brown and Staubach get changed to pansy names like Ronaldino, Zazou, Christiano, Frings, Toti, and Landon.
Zindane should be playing for the Rayduhs.
Anyway, Jesus clearly says that football is a work of satan and those who worship that ancient serpent of old. We will play soccer in heaven.
And if we, not being of the Levitical Goal Keepers, touch the ball with our hands inside the holy of holies we will be cast out to outer darkness where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth and the worm dieth not.
The easiest way to make football more like soccer is to mandate that the cheerleaders have to play. In fact that is how my high school actually started its soccer team. You need to watch those cheerleaders they will sweep your leg and hit you with a spirit stick.