Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering.
As a service to the people who may read this blog (and since someone sent this to me), I wanted to rush to print. It is my small way to promote peace on earth and good will between men and women.
1. “You’ve got two red lights right next to each other! You’re supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue…”
2. “Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try.”
3. “What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?”
4. “Give me that.”
5. “You’ve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top.”
6. “I don’t care if you have found another two strings, I’m done!”
7. “You’ve just wound ’em around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldn’t look like a perfect spiral this year? Ah, just forget it… where’s the remote?!”
8. “Are you on medication or something?”
9. “You’re acting just like your mother!”
10 “If you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all. Don’t just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You’re worse than your father.”
Any more….? Remember, we need to help those poor saps who don’t know nearly as much as you do.
11. Engineer: “Wait! Gimme a second to calculate proper light coverage and the angles at which the strands should be hung.”
Man, can I relate to this! We’ve since bought an artificial pre-lit tree in order to save the marriage but I used to spend 2-3 days on putting the lights on the tree. For the proper effect you have to go in layers from the inside out. Start with a strand wrapped tightly around the entire trunk and then work out from there.
(After the lights comes the beads, next the bows, then the balls, and finally the ornaments.)
As for item #3, save the cardboard tubes when a roll of wrapping paper runs out. Make a notch in the end to hold a plug and then wind the string of lights up. Next year, you’ll just have to find the end and then unwind them down a hall – no knots.
12. That’s funny, the box of ornaments didn’t make that sound last year.
13. I told you so.
14. Don’t worry, the kids can’t reach it.
15. What could possibly go wrong?
16. Here, let me do it.
16a. Here, you do it.
17. Uh, Dad, where’s the Krazy Glue?
18. (Spouse to toddler that is holding an ornament that is special to the other spouse.) Okay, but just don’t break it.
19. (after tree is done) Where’s the cat?
20. Take it all down. The Joneses’ tree is bigger. We can’t let them win.
21. “Don’t you think you should have tested them before putting them all on the tree?”
22. Come on! You can’t see ’em from the road when they’re off, let’s just leave them up.
23. Honey, next year we need MORE lights!
Wait, these BLINK?! I don’t want them to blink, I want them to “twinkle”. Take ’em down. Besides, the “white” lights are more of a yellow-white and they clash with my snowmen ornaments…
25.If you’re happy with it, I’m happy with it.
26. “Are you sure that’s seven hundred lights? Cause it doesn’t look like seven hundred. You know we should have 100 lights per foot of tree and we have a 7 3/4 foot tree so that’s 775 lights. This looks like 650. We’re gonna have to count ’em.”