10. Biggest event is dance contest with cardboard cutout of 8th season bit role actor on TV’s “Loveboat.”
9. Inflatable Captain.
8. Crew holds up crayon drawings of waves and stuff outside portholes while ship wallows at dock.
7. Crew fastens playing cards to wheel spokes to make cool engine sounds.
6. Releases man-killing bears on deck to distract passengers from man-killing falling smoke stacks.
5. Drum guy who keeps the beat for the rowers in bowels of ship replaced by monkey full of Red Bull and Sweet Tarts.
4. Nightclub act consists of 80-year-old ventriloquist and his dummy with the wet hacking cough.
3. Red duct tape put over broken right rear turn signal.
2. All buffets pretty much consist of that marshmallows-in-Jell-O stuff.
1. Coin-operated life boats.
Can you think of any others?
Copyright 2005 Dave Tippett
12. Tickets are charged by a holding fee and then a “pay upon safe return” policy.
11. Customers receive the discounted rate by enjoying the cruise by day, working as crew by night.
13. Guaranteed to lose 10 pounds during cruise from ship-wide illnesses.
14. Unlimited complimentary sick bags for aforementioned ship-wide illnesses.