I am getting ready to send my two oldest boys to camp for the week. In sharing last-minute advice – the value of sleep, more than one pair of underwear, and a shower that includes soap, I find myself pushed toward the realization that they are getting older. How long will it be until they will be calling me with stories told to their kids as they put them on the bus for camp?
One of the realities my boys will face, along with how to survive at summer camp, is the reality of God-centered vs. child-centered parenting. I have seen children yell in the grocery store for a particular cereal and mom jumps to place it in her cart before the child hits a pitch that only dogs can hear. Or, how about the child who is told “No” in regard to a particular item they want, but continues to ask and eventually wins out in getting the coveted toy, sweet or… whatever. Oh’ and then there is the parent who does take the time to respond to his or her child, but simply yells loud enough to silence the request. This parent thinks they are molding a child to understand that “No” means “No.” Unfortunatly, parent’s like this don’t realize that although they seem to be in control they are still living at the mercy of their child’s desires and reacting in a child-centered way. They may be getting what they think are good results – a silent child, but the child is pulling the strings and a God-centered home is simple a twisted illusion. Let’s face it, parenting with God at the center is receding quicker than a Pensecola beach line! What Hurricane Dennis is to a tin-roof, child-centered parenting is to a healthy family.
Where do you turn for advice in a day filled with self-help books that are filled with hardly any help at all? Well, Susanna Wesley, a mother who had nineteen God-loving kids (including the famous John and Charles), seems like a great place to find some illumination on the subject. To Susanna, addressing a child’s drive toward self-love was priority in stopping the erosion of God-centered children:
“The parent who studies to subdue [self-will] in his child works together with God in the renewing and saving of a soul. The parent who indulges it does the Devil’s work; makes religion impracticable, salvation unattainable, and [damns] his child, body, and soul for ever”
Susanna: Mother of the Wesleys [New York: Abingdon, 1968], pp. 59–60).
Let’s shine the light on this issue.
Ques: What are some practical ways in which parents can cultivate God-centered families?
P.S. Those of you who do not have kids don’t worry, I would love to read your thoughts too!
A very timely subject in my life Dan.
Thanks for starting this discussion up.
We talked about this at the men’s retreat and is something that I have neglected with my own family for many years. The conviction in my heart has been overwhelming over the past 6 months and am thankful for the support at Grace for families like ours. My kids are 15 and almost 12 so I have a lot to do, but can do nothing on my own without seeking the Lord.
The key verse for this discussion is clear.
Proverbs 22:6 NIV “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he (she) is old he (she) will not turn from it.”
My kids were involved in Awana with my wife for years, learned many verses, and were saved a number of years ago. Application of those verses is another story. Unfortunately there has been little spiritual cultivation in our home other than the love and affection we show them, and spiritual discussions from time to time.
In our family a starting point to jump start this process is to first commit to be real with our kids and not be hypocritical when it comes to life and spiritual matters. That means they understand that we can and will fail them from time to time, but we will always admit our failings and ask for their forgiveness as is appropriate. Be examples.
Secondly is a verse of the week on the refrigerator that we are all to memorize and discuss each week. (Thanks Pat!)
Thirdly is to pray together as a family at least once a week for specific things and for others.
Then to get all of us our own readable Bible such as the NIV and start to encourage daily devotionals and regular reading.
Finally to encourage (not force or push them) to get more involved at Grace, by making efforts to get to know others close to their own age (they are both struggling with this right now), and building relationships at Grace that transcend the walls of the church and the “program”. Iron sharpening iron.
All these things might not be in order of importance or implementation, but these are things that I am personally starting to implement in my own family. My life has been energized by the Holy Spirit this year with new joy in my life and a re-commitment to serve the Lord and to be a part of the local Body of Christ at Grace Fellowship.
It’s going to be real hard, and we are already under a direct spiritual attack as we try as a family to seek the Lord. What a confirmation that we are doing the right thing!
Through it all the joy of the Lord will definitely be our strength.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.
Weak in me…strong in Him!
Here’s a few ideas:
Take advantage of the opportunities given during times of discipline and correction. Use those opportunities to explain to your children why they act out and sin (the sinfulness of all mankind), the resulting wrath of God from their sin, and the wonderful salvation from our sin found in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Enforce the standard of God’s Word with your children (and yourselves) instead of a keepable law so they can feel good about themselves. When correcting your children, take the time to explain why what they did violates God’s commands. And when you sin against your children, admit it to them and ask for forgiveness.
Read the book of Proverbs and use the advice given there regarding parenting.
By making sure the parents’ relationship is God-centered first.
(I’m learning to be concise in my posting.)
Short and to the point! I wish I could be that short with my postings Jeffrey! Being concise is a gift that I do not have. I guess am in need of a blog intervention. 🙂 Thanks!
Excellent advice Kevin. I try to do that with my kids. Something else I learned is that from time to time, when a spanking is warranted for a sin, I talk to the offending child and then actually withhold the spanking. After reinforcing the fact that they do deserve the spanking I tell them that they will not be recieving it and paint the picture of God’s mercy. For the three year old, it’s mostly a free trip. But for the five and seven year old, it is definetely a worthwhile tool.
Something else we try to do is to take the correction moment back to the character of God. If a child lies, we try to use a verse from the Bible about lying and then focus on the fact that God is truth. If a child doesn’t share, we focus on God’s faithfulness to provide us with all that we need and that all that we have is from Him. It is key to take the issues back the very nature of God so that they can learn about Him and why it is that we have these rules. The standard is not arbitrary, nor does it exist for our peace and stability. (although a quiet home can be nice!) It exists as an outflow of the very nature of the God we worhsip. This takes times of correction and reproof and leads to a (breif) teaching moment that at times actually culminates in worship of God.
These are things I have definitely been thinking through trying to figure out where Jenny and I will sit on certain issues. I think we have a decent grip on what types of things we will do for “corrective” behavior. I am wondering more about “edifying” behavior.
For example, whether or not to do such things as catechisms or family devotionals after dinner. Have any of you had experience with these types of activities and would you recommend them, and at what age would you recommend starting? Also, with something like catechisms, does it make it harder to tell if a child has saving faith vs having intellectual understanding?
Great question, Matt. As I read Deuteronomy 6, it sounds a lot like catechism. I’ve often thought about doing a formal catechism with our kids, but up until now have taken a more informal approach. We talk about theological concepts with our kids at various times. For some examples, when we have obedience issues we talk about the fall of man, sin, and Christ’s redemption. Maybe when one is sick we will talk about looking forward to Christ’s return and the reverse of the curse. There are endless opportunities to talk about God as creator and sustainer. And so on.
To make sure that we cover the gamut of theology, we read together through a nice little book called Everything a Child Should Know About God. When we started, I used to read it to Austin and Savannah. Now Savannah reads it to Austin and me. I refer to it as our “Systematic Theology for Kids.”
I’d be interested in hearing about anyone’s experience with a formal catechism for kids. I like that our approach avoids the parroted answers, but I wonder if we are missing some benefits that might come from the more fomalized question/response format.
Also, I can’t let a parenting philosophy topic go by without plugging
Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Trip. This is a great resource for helping parents think through a Biblical approach to parenting that is centered around always pointing the child to Christ.
I second the recommendation of “Shepherding…”. The majority of my technique for implementing the content of my first comment is from that book.
There was a timely post over on the STR blog.
I have found that asking questions around the table during dinner helps a child develop God-centered thinking. Here’s how it works: I create a situation (it may be very close to a situation one or more of my children are facing) and have my four oldest answer how they would or would not respond if they were in this particular situation. After discussion, I ask the 1 billion dollar question in support of their answer – “why would you say/do that.” When the word “why” is placed into the thinking process of a child, or adult for that matter, you immediatly find a rational for its origin – a man-centered or God-centered motive. The question “why” rips away outward actions to reveal motive and that is where God-centered living stands or falls. The more I can drive my kids back to consider their motives the more I drive them to Jesus for the grace they need to have lives built around His character and priorities.